It’s wonderful how the Universe sets things up for our highest learning.
After posting my ‘Letter to the dead‘ just now I was feeling pretty insular and sad. At least the anger has dissipated. Searching for something to boost my mood I read a response from Lulu to a comment I’d left on her blog, Sunny With A Chance of Armageddon.
Reading her note to me eased the sadness and reaffirmed that I am okay… in her words “Everyone’s individual world starts and ends with them.” The trick is to know which world we are creating for ourselves and to listen to that inner self that knows the answer. When we get caught up in the drama or story of another, we are limiting ourselves. Our power is not in the story of another, it is in knowing when we are in our own.
To grow and be healthy in all of our multifacets, we must be so clear on what we want, our triggers, our limitations, our strengths and our masks. When we are honest with ourselves and can see ourselves through loving eyes no matter what the circumstances, we can present authentically in the world.
I am reminded of the old saying “know thyself”. How more true can that statement be than for a human being in a relationship. Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to know thyself better. I hope that Mr. X has found this in his relationship with me, even though difficult. I certainly have.
My pain body’s response to Mr. X’s rejection was not about him and I. It was a triggered ‘landmine’ that set off an avalanche of emotions from previous life trauma in my late teens and twenties. Yes, it hurt to be left, but in the moment of our parting ways, I felt 20 years of stored painful cellular memory that was ignited by his rejection. I knew the emotions were still there, but it takes a lot to spark them these days, so I was unprepared for their violence and impact on me.
I asked Lulu‘s permission to repost her comments to me here so that we can all reflect on them and discover more of ourselves in her words.
” Traumatic experiences aren’t something that can be easily released. And it’s really a misconception that they could ever be discarded or even forgotten. Even when we finally come to terms with them, we are still faced with the possibility of landmines, even if they are few and far in between.
Postpartum depression / psychosis might be one of the most difficult things a woman can face. Caring for an infant (especially if it is the first), is an overwhelming, terrifying and life altering experience. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting beyond anything else. When those symptoms come into the mix, well, it just feels impossible.
It sounds like you’ve not only come accept yourself, but actually love yourself. Everyone has their faults; it’s just that people with disorders have terms attached to them.
I used to really try to sit there and pick apart disorder from personality. It was so important for me to know what was what, so I could excuse some of the traits I didn’t care for. The truth is, symptom or personality, it’s all me. Sometimes, I can be moody. I can be nervous and tense. And then there are times were I am impatient and short tempered.
But, I don’t see it in that light. I am sensitive, and I have the ability to feel very deeply. I have a high energy level and care very much about things in my life. And I’m incredibly involved and wildly enthusiastic.
If I can start thinking of my faults in terms of what they bring to me as strengths, then I can have a better image of myself. I just have to keep thinking, “It all starts and ends with me.” Everyone’s individual world starts and ends with them.”
Thank you Lulu, for this perspective and your open heartedness in sharing.
With love and copious gratitude to all of you divine souls out there, including Mr. X.