shining a light on the complexities of being women with spirit

Posts tagged ‘divine essence’

A Letter To The Dead

WARNING I did say that sometimes my readers would have a window to my very human emotions. This is one of those moments and it’s not pleasant.  For all the sensitive souls out there who would rather not feel this with me, please be forewarned. This is quite a violent unleashing. I promised myself I would avoid censoring myself in this forum, and so today I fulfill that promise; nervous and anxious about it though I am. It’s a brave thing to express how it is in raw and unadulterated form, warts and all.  For those of you who understand that to be truly spiritual is to embrace all facets of our personage, read on.  We’re all in this life together, for better or worse.

Dear X,

YOU SUCK. 

I hate that I’m so angry right now.  I hate that my mind is thinking up all the terrible things I can do to you to make myself feel better.  Like that’s going to work?  I know it won’t, but still my madness rants and raves.  Who knew I had such a vicious shadow. Actually, I did. But it takes a major asshole to bring it out.  I hate being lied to.  More than that, I hate it when a person is so damned oblivious to the mask they hold up to the world that they don’t take responsibility for their own life. I guess it’s pretty impossible to be honest with a partner if you can’t find the courage to honest with yourself. Hurting others is the by-product.

I am furious that you could be so self-absorbed as to come back into our lives, promising the world, saying you loved me, that you loved us, and then give us a measly 6-ish weeks of your life to ‘try again’.  That’s so unfair. You didn’t give us even half a chance. Me and my kids loved you and you’ve allowed your misery to stomp on their innocent hearts, and mine – all because you’re so f$&king afraid of yourself, of taking responsibility for your own happiness, of even believing that you get to choose what you make of life.

What pisses me off even more is that I allowed you back in. My bad.  Not fully though, because my intuition told me ‘go easy’.  My inner voice valued the beautiful new way of life I’ve spent the last 6 months creating without you way too much to give it up for anyone.

The thing that really gets to me is that you knew the score.  We talked at length about it before you chose to come back.  You came back knowing that things had to be different, and we agreed to take it slow and give ourselves the best chance to make it work this time. You broke our deal and for that I am MAD – mad that I almost believed that It was my fault, and mad that you’re blaming your wretchedness and suffering on our relationship. Take a look at yourself…as if there was nothing wrong with the rest of your life?  How dare you insinuate that your destructive thought processes are my doing.

No one has that much power over another person. It’s all in YOUR head.

I’ve reflected on our last 6 weeks over the past couple of days and I honestly know I did my best.  I gave all I could give and loved you whilst maintaining the things that keep me and the kids healthy and happy. It was never going to be enough for you and yes, it was hard.  It took all of my strength not to slide back into your black abyss.    You said you love me, but you love misery more.  You’re addicted to it.  It consumes every shred of light around you.  Frankly, I’m glad you’re gone.

My sister said “you can never go back”

I didn’t believe her. I wanted to believe you.  That was my mistake.  But this is the ultimate closure and an amazing gift.  Thanks to the mirror of your presence in my life, I can see now how far I’ve come.  We couldn’t possibly have stayed together.  You no longer reflect any part of the real me.  Not even my violent shadow is as self-destructive as your entire composition.

How horrible it must be for you to hate yourself and your life so much.  I remember what that was like.  I was around 25 when I was last dwelling full time in that kind of state.  Not anymore. I haven’t been like you for years. But I needed to realise it, and release that 25 year old me.  She’s resolved now and at peace. That was your gift.

Of course, I can see where I still need to work harder to break free from my chrysalis and fly. But I’m really close now.  As much as my wounding, my 25 year old pain body screams and tears at my mind, scratching and clawing to get out and rent at your skin, I know that it’s not the real me.  I can stand back and observe, knowing my true self is the one that you won’t get the chance to know.  I’m sad about that too.  I wonder: will there ever be a man in my life who is ‘man enough’ to know himself and grow with me? I hope so.  I am fully prepared to be on my own if that’s what the universe has in mind though.

The thing is, I like myself and I enjoy my own company.  I love my space.  In fact, even in my raging and pain, I can accept myself.  Maybe I even love me.  I must, because I knew I had to hold firm to my beliefs and values in the face of powerful incentive to back down.  I’ve done enough work to get to that point.  I handled our parting horribly, but i am not sorry.   I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and one lapse into pain body doesn’t define me.

Whilst our parting has awakened my wounded monster, her surge of wrath will be brief and I will quickly return to my centre, my heart, my true essence.  I already feel myself shifting.  I’ve become practised at that now and it won’t take long. Of that I am confident, and the thought of it brings a quiet to my core as I type.  The idea of returning to ‘home’ soothes me and calms my spirit, like the exquisite beauty of stroking my children’s hair as they sleep.   You’ve given that up.  And I’m sorry for you.  I’m sad for us that it didn’t work out, but so relieved to be rid of your energy drain.

The kids and I are resilient.  I told them you had decided to leave.  They weren’t surprised.  My children amaze me. They’re so intuitive, so sensitive, so aware.  They knew something was up with us.  They could feel it, even if words weren’t forming in their minds, their behaviour had been reflecting it.  They knew.

The next morning (after I screamed at you in a fit of desperate pain and searing heat) was a great morning.  It was like a huge, black, heavy blanket had lifted from our home.  You tried to steal our light to bolster your own lack.  You failed and so you had to leave.  We were all so light and relieved and relaxed after your energy dissipated.  It was our best morning in weeks.  My baby girl is bouncy and bright again, my boy isn’t afraid of the dark anymore and sleeping on his own.  You leaving was literally an overnight cure – so in a way I am grateful.  You’ve saved us from months, possibly years, of agony and upset.  I’m so relieved that my children won’t be poisoned by your gloom for one more day.

I wish I could say I hope you’ll be okay.  Right now I’m not feeling it.  But since I began writing, the mind has slowed and I can feel my heart again. It oscillates wildly between hurt and harmony, but at least I can feel it.   I know eventually I will forgive you and wish you the best and that my heart will find its own rhythm again.   I have my closure.  You’re gone for good and there is no going back. My sister was right but I had to try.  As painful as rejection is, I had to give it my best and now I can move on knowing for sure in my heart that I did everything I could and perhaps this isn’t my fault.  Perhaps I am not the problem.  Just maybe, I am not as broken as I’ve believed all these years.   I’ll know what to do in my next relationship (wow, I’m open to a ‘next relationship’) and I will no longer attract the broken parts of me in masculine form. 

So this is for you; a letter to the dead. I’m glad you’re gone. Now, we can both move on. 

I hope one day you embrace the world’s light. I have seen the side of despair and desolation. If you let it, it can kill. 

I pray that you’ll find a way to love yourself. No other being will ever love you that much.  You can’t fill the cracks in your heart with another.   

I want for you that your path is found. A mind blinded by poverty will only find dead ends. Believe there are other ways.

I send angels to your side because you need them. Perhaps they can guide you through the blackness of your night.  Be at peace.

I’m excited about my future.  I always was, whether you were in it or not. That’ hasn’t changed., no matter the pain.  I am looking forward to the marvels and miracles that await me and my children.  I will continue to grow.  I will continue to absorb and emit the light.  Nothing can stop that. No one can take that away.

It’s inevitable. It’s eternal. It’s who I am.

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Ignorance Is Bliss…Really?

shattered pieces

You may know of Tony Robbins of Awaken The Giant Within fame…he’s one of the awesome motivational leaders of our time and a mentor for me. He talks about every human having two primary spiritual needs. The first is to grow or evolve spiritually. The second is to make a contribution to the world.

My Evolution

When I think about this one, I realise that I have always been very aware of my desire to evolve. I became conscious of it at about 20 years old – I had a spiritual drive to experience oneness, to find peace, lose fear and to live in what I call ‘The Gap’ – that audible silence that connects us to the source.  I was literally dragged, kicking and screaming into awareness by the traumas of being young.

Since that metaphorical slap across the cheek that compelled me to WAKE UP, I’ve spent a lot of time avoiding my awareness. The trouble is, once we become ‘aware’ life becomes extremely painful if we try to ignore it. The slaps and kicks and wake up calls get bigger and bigger until they are heard.  

People describe being unaware as ‘ignorance is bliss’… in a way this is true. If we are not aware, then we are not required by our conscience to take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and the manifestations that appear in our lives. We can run blindly into life, blaming our family, blaming politics, blaming the world at large for the strife we find ourselves in.  

I discovered that I could ignore my awareness and dampen the pain that this caused by immersing myself in the ‘blissful’ numbness and ignorance of alcohol. Bliss. HA!  I guess at the time, not having to feel the pain was a kind of twisted bliss.

For me, opening to the awareness budding in my mind at 20 years old provided the shocking realisation that dreams can be shattered, lives destroyed and happiness is nothing more than an illusion… it all is!   I didn’t want to know! When I became aware of that, when life’s cruelty, bitterness and dishonesty cracked my mind open, the ground was rent apart below my feet, a giant fissure opened up and swallowed me whole, the universe shattered like exploding glass and sliced me to ribbons. I was never the same again. I became very bitter and self destructive for a while.  As if punishing myself for the trauma I endured, and suffering for the ills of the world would eventually make it all disappear. Make everything disappear.  Maybe even me.  Perhaps that was my path to enlightenment… ultimate suffering and pain, the world’s sins on my shoulders.  But at the time I just didn’t want to be part of it.

I still have moments of wanting to ‘go back’ to before – before my awakening – and walk down the other road, away from my awareness. Part of my ‘old self’ still thinks that it’s easier.  With a lot of years behind me, I now know that it is not. It’s bloody painful!

Even though I sometimes slip back into old patterns, I try to see each awkward, uncomfortable and grating slip as another opportunity to hone my skill of awareness and clarify my intentions for my life.  I have found that peace I searched for, almost 20 years later.  I know the exquisite silence of ‘The Gap’ and visit it regularly.  I know that happiness is an illusion, but joy is part of the soul’s expression and is as real as the Universe itself.  The beauty that has grown from the seed of destruction that I experienced early in life is astounding and I wonder at it daily.  Now I have a grateful heart.  Pain is merely the flip side of love.  The depth of our pain reveals the heights that are possible for us.

My Service

I have always been driven to help others. In the early years, I thought that meant becoming a healer or a nurse or a therapist of some kind. So I have gathered these skills over the past 20 years – I’m a trained healer, massage therapist, meditation facilitator, soon to be nurse and music therapist.  I understand metaphysics, homoeopathy, herbs, crystals and more.

Don’t get me wrong, these are all wonderful things and I have loved the people, places, learning, opportunities and knowledge they’ve provided me. These skills have played a massive role in directing me to my purpose. But they are not the END, they are part of the multifacets of my life that contribute to the person I am constantly becoming.  They are the stepping stones I have trodden from the depths of personal despair and destruction to stand here and now, transformed.

The difference now is that I understand that the greatest way any of us can help and contribute to humanity is to live our greatest life and to shine our divine essence into the world. Sometimes this means having to experience the darkness to understand the brilliance of our light.  This is the most humble, the most precious gift we can give others… the gift of authenticity, the gift of permission to be as great as we’re intended to be, to shine our light!

We shine through all our skills, talents and attributes, but not one of them is all there is or the only way we give back, they are our toolkit of divine expression. When we grasp this, we can let go of what we do, where we’ve been, what we’ve endured, and be who we are at the depth of our core.

I was thinking about the areas of life that are illuminated for me at the moment and the skills I’m using… currently I have my light directed on writing. I sat down and started making a list of all the skills I have gathered over my lifetime in various sectors – I have recently renamed them the “Six Facets of Lifestyle Sustainability”…I’ve discovered that if we are too heavy or too light on in just one or two of these facets, life just doesn’t flow easily. We can be ‘top heavy’ or have a strong focus on one for a while, but sooner or later the imbalance makes our life unsustainable and we need to even things out. 

I frequently do this exercise with my ‘Creative Strategy’ clients, but haven’t really done it thoroughly for myself before… WOW! The discoveries I made about my skills and the interests/talents/gifts that showed up were VERY ENLIGHTENING! I also discovered that I actually have a lot to offer the world – boy, did that give my dubious self worth a run for it’s money? You bet!

I’ll be posting my Six Facets of Lifestyle Sustainability and their skill set on a new tab shortly, but you can check out the facets on the picture here or on my Visualise This Enterprises website.

Why don’t you brainstorm your own list? If you’re not sure where your light is best serving you, just follow your awareness, look out for the patterns and where you are ‘top heavy’. This will show you very clearly where your divine essence wants to be.

Peace out

xxKImage

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