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Archive for the ‘Awareness’ Category

A Creed For Self Love

It’s that time again – reflection of the year past, and looking ahead to how we want the coming year to pan out.

I’ve been stuck on the term, Self Love, this week.  I think it’s because my ability to love myself was challenged to the max this past year.  It wasn’t missing altogether, but I realise now, that at times it was severely lacking. Especially in those extremely difficult times when it was most needed.  If I’d been able to find a little more Self Love in times of stress and strife, I may have had an easier time of it. My family may have fared better too. But in the spirit of the past being gone and the future yet to arrive, I am working on being gentle with myself right now. Hence this blog post.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has lacked a bit of Self Love this year.  Perhaps you are your harshest critic and the voices in your head are relentless in their efforts to smack you back into place.  Maybe you’ve forgotten to take time out for you amidst your responsibilities and struggled to keep your head above water.  Is it possible that you made a few mistakes and that maybe, just maybe you are human after all?

Giving ourselves Self Love is not being ‘selfish’.  It is absolutely essential if we are to become the light beings and peaceful, joyful creatures we were born to be.  Life doesn’t have to be hard all the time, in fact it is meant to be an amazing experience.  If it isn’t, then perhaps our lack of love for self is one of the culprits.  Our world is an extension of what we think and feel.  If we do not feel worthy of love, our world reflects this right back to us.   If we are critical, harsh and berating of ourselves, our reality becomes that too.

So, I have decided that 2014 is the year of mastering Self Love.  To help you and me to feel the love of self more completely this coming year, I asked a few of my friends for their thoughts on what Self Love is and how to achieve it.  When I collated the data, I discovered there were a number of common themes.  I’ve used their feedback, combined with my own notes to create a Self Love Creed for you and me.

My wish is that you resonate with it, print it out, and use the Self Love Creed to hone your inherent and beautiful gifts, cultivate greater peace and harmony in your daily life, and grow the spark of light that resides within you to a shining beacon lighting the way for others.

A CREED FOR SELF LOVE

With the love and support of the Light That I Am,
I promise to…

  • Realise that I’m human – I make mistakes, and that’s okay.
  • Be kind and positive with myself in my thoughts, words and actions.
  • Be aware of my fundamental values, needs and motivators, and choose to align my actions with these.
  • Let my ‘child self’ out to play OFTEN.
  • Be accepting of ‘down days’ and be grateful for the opportunity they give to learn more about me.
  • Be grateful for all I have and everything I am.
  • Choose non-judgement and non-critical thoughts about myself and others.
  • Accept that I always do my best in every moment.
  • Find out what I love, then spend ‘quality time’ with myself doing those things.
  • Tell myself when I do a good job.
  • Tell myself I am a good person.
  • Be creative – it doesn’t matter what, just create!
  • Reassure myself that everything is okay when things don’t go to plan.
  • Treat my body with respect – feed it with nourishing foods, drinks and healthy activity.
  • Treat my life as if a sacred expression of divinity.
  • Offer love, kindness and support to others.
  • Keep my heart and mind open to the beauty around me, even the little things.
  • Stand by my beliefs with conviction and confidence.
  • Be my own best friend.
  • Repeat to myself “I have enough, I do enough, I AM ENOUGH” at every opportunity.

Happy New Year!Heart in hands

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Know Thyself, Human

It’s wonderful how the Universe sets things up for our highest learning.

After posting my ‘Letter to the dead‘ just now I was feeling pretty insular and sad.  At least the anger has dissipated.  Searching for something to boost my mood I read a response from Lulu to a comment I’d left on her blog, Sunny With A Chance of Armageddon.

Reading her note to me eased the sadness and reaffirmed that I am okay… in her words “Everyone’s individual world starts and ends with them.”  The trick is to know which world we are creating for ourselves and to listen to that inner self that knows the answer.  When we get caught up in the drama or story of another, we are limiting ourselves.  Our power is not in the story of another, it is in knowing when we are in our own.

To grow and be healthy in all of our multifacets, we must be so clear on what we want, our triggers, our limitations, our strengths and our masks. When we are honest with ourselves and can see ourselves through loving eyes no matter what the circumstances, we can present authentically in the world.

I am reminded of the old saying “know thyself”.  How more true can that statement be than for a human being in a relationship.  Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to know thyself better.  I hope that Mr. X has found this in his relationship with me, even though difficult.  I certainly have.

My pain body’s response to Mr. X’s rejection was not about him and I. It was a triggered ‘landmine’ that set off an avalanche of emotions from previous life trauma in my late teens and twenties.  Yes, it hurt to be left, but in the moment of our parting ways, I felt 20 years of stored painful cellular memory that was ignited by his rejection.  I knew the emotions were still there, but it takes a lot to spark them these days, so I was unprepared for their violence and impact on me.

I asked Lulu‘s permission to repost her comments to me here so that we can all reflect on them and discover more of ourselves in her words.

” Traumatic experiences aren’t something that can be easily released. And it’s really a misconception that they could ever be discarded or even forgotten. Even when we finally come to terms with them, we are still faced with the possibility of landmines, even if they are few and far in between.

Postpartum depression / psychosis might be one of the most difficult things a woman can face. Caring for an infant (especially if it is the first), is an overwhelming, terrifying and life altering experience. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting beyond anything else. When those symptoms come into the mix, well, it just feels impossible.

It sounds like you’ve not only come accept yourself, but actually love yourself. Everyone has their faults; it’s just that people with disorders have terms attached to them.

I used to really try to sit there and pick apart disorder from personality. It was so important for me to know what was what, so I could excuse some of the traits I didn’t care for. The truth is, symptom or personality, it’s all me. Sometimes, I can be moody. I can be nervous and tense. And then there are times were I am impatient and short tempered.

But, I don’t see it in that light. I am sensitive, and I have the ability to feel very deeply. I have a high energy level and care very much about things in my life. And I’m incredibly involved and wildly enthusiastic.

If I can start thinking of my faults in terms of what they bring to me as strengths, then I can have a better image of myself. I just have to keep thinking, “It all starts and ends with me.” Everyone’s individual world starts and ends with them.”

Thank you Lulu, for this perspective and your open heartedness in sharing.

With love and copious gratitude to all of you divine souls out there, including Mr. X.

xx K

A Letter To The Dead

WARNING I did say that sometimes my readers would have a window to my very human emotions. This is one of those moments and it’s not pleasant.  For all the sensitive souls out there who would rather not feel this with me, please be forewarned. This is quite a violent unleashing. I promised myself I would avoid censoring myself in this forum, and so today I fulfill that promise; nervous and anxious about it though I am. It’s a brave thing to express how it is in raw and unadulterated form, warts and all.  For those of you who understand that to be truly spiritual is to embrace all facets of our personage, read on.  We’re all in this life together, for better or worse.

Dear X,

YOU SUCK. 

I hate that I’m so angry right now.  I hate that my mind is thinking up all the terrible things I can do to you to make myself feel better.  Like that’s going to work?  I know it won’t, but still my madness rants and raves.  Who knew I had such a vicious shadow. Actually, I did. But it takes a major asshole to bring it out.  I hate being lied to.  More than that, I hate it when a person is so damned oblivious to the mask they hold up to the world that they don’t take responsibility for their own life. I guess it’s pretty impossible to be honest with a partner if you can’t find the courage to honest with yourself. Hurting others is the by-product.

I am furious that you could be so self-absorbed as to come back into our lives, promising the world, saying you loved me, that you loved us, and then give us a measly 6-ish weeks of your life to ‘try again’.  That’s so unfair. You didn’t give us even half a chance. Me and my kids loved you and you’ve allowed your misery to stomp on their innocent hearts, and mine – all because you’re so f$&king afraid of yourself, of taking responsibility for your own happiness, of even believing that you get to choose what you make of life.

What pisses me off even more is that I allowed you back in. My bad.  Not fully though, because my intuition told me ‘go easy’.  My inner voice valued the beautiful new way of life I’ve spent the last 6 months creating without you way too much to give it up for anyone.

The thing that really gets to me is that you knew the score.  We talked at length about it before you chose to come back.  You came back knowing that things had to be different, and we agreed to take it slow and give ourselves the best chance to make it work this time. You broke our deal and for that I am MAD – mad that I almost believed that It was my fault, and mad that you’re blaming your wretchedness and suffering on our relationship. Take a look at yourself…as if there was nothing wrong with the rest of your life?  How dare you insinuate that your destructive thought processes are my doing.

No one has that much power over another person. It’s all in YOUR head.

I’ve reflected on our last 6 weeks over the past couple of days and I honestly know I did my best.  I gave all I could give and loved you whilst maintaining the things that keep me and the kids healthy and happy. It was never going to be enough for you and yes, it was hard.  It took all of my strength not to slide back into your black abyss.    You said you love me, but you love misery more.  You’re addicted to it.  It consumes every shred of light around you.  Frankly, I’m glad you’re gone.

My sister said “you can never go back”

I didn’t believe her. I wanted to believe you.  That was my mistake.  But this is the ultimate closure and an amazing gift.  Thanks to the mirror of your presence in my life, I can see now how far I’ve come.  We couldn’t possibly have stayed together.  You no longer reflect any part of the real me.  Not even my violent shadow is as self-destructive as your entire composition.

How horrible it must be for you to hate yourself and your life so much.  I remember what that was like.  I was around 25 when I was last dwelling full time in that kind of state.  Not anymore. I haven’t been like you for years. But I needed to realise it, and release that 25 year old me.  She’s resolved now and at peace. That was your gift.

Of course, I can see where I still need to work harder to break free from my chrysalis and fly. But I’m really close now.  As much as my wounding, my 25 year old pain body screams and tears at my mind, scratching and clawing to get out and rent at your skin, I know that it’s not the real me.  I can stand back and observe, knowing my true self is the one that you won’t get the chance to know.  I’m sad about that too.  I wonder: will there ever be a man in my life who is ‘man enough’ to know himself and grow with me? I hope so.  I am fully prepared to be on my own if that’s what the universe has in mind though.

The thing is, I like myself and I enjoy my own company.  I love my space.  In fact, even in my raging and pain, I can accept myself.  Maybe I even love me.  I must, because I knew I had to hold firm to my beliefs and values in the face of powerful incentive to back down.  I’ve done enough work to get to that point.  I handled our parting horribly, but i am not sorry.   I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and one lapse into pain body doesn’t define me.

Whilst our parting has awakened my wounded monster, her surge of wrath will be brief and I will quickly return to my centre, my heart, my true essence.  I already feel myself shifting.  I’ve become practised at that now and it won’t take long. Of that I am confident, and the thought of it brings a quiet to my core as I type.  The idea of returning to ‘home’ soothes me and calms my spirit, like the exquisite beauty of stroking my children’s hair as they sleep.   You’ve given that up.  And I’m sorry for you.  I’m sad for us that it didn’t work out, but so relieved to be rid of your energy drain.

The kids and I are resilient.  I told them you had decided to leave.  They weren’t surprised.  My children amaze me. They’re so intuitive, so sensitive, so aware.  They knew something was up with us.  They could feel it, even if words weren’t forming in their minds, their behaviour had been reflecting it.  They knew.

The next morning (after I screamed at you in a fit of desperate pain and searing heat) was a great morning.  It was like a huge, black, heavy blanket had lifted from our home.  You tried to steal our light to bolster your own lack.  You failed and so you had to leave.  We were all so light and relieved and relaxed after your energy dissipated.  It was our best morning in weeks.  My baby girl is bouncy and bright again, my boy isn’t afraid of the dark anymore and sleeping on his own.  You leaving was literally an overnight cure – so in a way I am grateful.  You’ve saved us from months, possibly years, of agony and upset.  I’m so relieved that my children won’t be poisoned by your gloom for one more day.

I wish I could say I hope you’ll be okay.  Right now I’m not feeling it.  But since I began writing, the mind has slowed and I can feel my heart again. It oscillates wildly between hurt and harmony, but at least I can feel it.   I know eventually I will forgive you and wish you the best and that my heart will find its own rhythm again.   I have my closure.  You’re gone for good and there is no going back. My sister was right but I had to try.  As painful as rejection is, I had to give it my best and now I can move on knowing for sure in my heart that I did everything I could and perhaps this isn’t my fault.  Perhaps I am not the problem.  Just maybe, I am not as broken as I’ve believed all these years.   I’ll know what to do in my next relationship (wow, I’m open to a ‘next relationship’) and I will no longer attract the broken parts of me in masculine form. 

So this is for you; a letter to the dead. I’m glad you’re gone. Now, we can both move on. 

I hope one day you embrace the world’s light. I have seen the side of despair and desolation. If you let it, it can kill. 

I pray that you’ll find a way to love yourself. No other being will ever love you that much.  You can’t fill the cracks in your heart with another.   

I want for you that your path is found. A mind blinded by poverty will only find dead ends. Believe there are other ways.

I send angels to your side because you need them. Perhaps they can guide you through the blackness of your night.  Be at peace.

I’m excited about my future.  I always was, whether you were in it or not. That’ hasn’t changed., no matter the pain.  I am looking forward to the marvels and miracles that await me and my children.  I will continue to grow.  I will continue to absorb and emit the light.  Nothing can stop that. No one can take that away.

It’s inevitable. It’s eternal. It’s who I am.

Post Natal Depression: Finding A Way Out Of The Darkness

Keyhole to sunlight

I’ve been off the air – but for good reason.  All of a sudden, I’ve become CRAZY BUSY!  Writing for PAY!!!   Fortunately it’s not been a tearing-my-hair-out-nutso-freakout kind of busy; more of a swimming, measured, holy-cow-I’m-amazed-it’s-finally-flowing kind of busy!   I have FINALLY found a way to break out of my shell and follow my heart, without setting off those internal sabotage alarms that have so frequently postponed my abundance in the past.

You see, I’ve been fighting sooo hard, for sooo long, trying to FORCE life to do things the way I wanted. Intellectually, I know that this does not work. I know that if you have to consistently bash your head against a wall to get something done, it’s probably not going to work in the long term.  But do you think I could make myself do something different?HELL NO!  I had to do it the hard way!

I wrote a book called “Head Space-Meditate Your Way to Study Success” – I LOVE this book – it’s my other baby. Writing this book took me out of a very, very dark space after the birth of my baby girl.  At 10 days old, her dad and I separated; messily, angrily, painfully.  My universe collapsed around me and the last shred of self worth I had been desperately clinging to was obliterated.  It has taken years to rebuild my reality from that destruction.  I had a debilitating case of Post Natal Depression (PND) – or perhaps it should be called Post Natal DEMOLITION – who I was, what I was, where I was going, where I’d been – the entire thing was wiped from the face of the earth.  I had to start again from scratch. I was thrust out into a foreign world with no yardstick,  no anchor, no way to know how to move forward.  So for a while I didn’t.  I froze.  And I fell apart.

But you know what?  There is always an ‘upside to the upside down’.  There has to be.  This was the only thing that kept me alive – that, and the knowledge that my children had no one else.  If I didn’t stay alive, who would raise them?

Then one night, in the background of my inner torment and terror,  I heard it.  Somewhere in the depths of my total annihilation there was a tiny, calm and soothing voice.  It belonged to an infinitesimal spark of light.  I barely noticed it among the chaos of the white noise in my head.  It whispered softly “Write. Just Write“.

It took a year of  writing to finish the first draft; screaming babies, no sleep, mashed pumpkin smeared through my hair, breakdowns, breakthroughs, nurses, doctors and psychologists for me to crawl out of the darkness and back to a place where I could see there was a light.  From there, I took a lurching approach to life, clawing my way up a very slippery slope to relative sanity and a loosely hung-together semblance of reality.  I had glimpses of happiness and purposeful direction that kept me going, but for years I struggled on most days.

I extracted all my superannuation from the government under financial hardship and published 1500 copies of the book.  I estimated that I could triple my investment and we’d be on our way. For 3 hard and long years, I pushed on, and we struggled financially. I’m tenacious, if nothing else, so I just kept going.  I marketed, I networked, I promoted, I lectured and still was not able to pay the ever mounting bills.  I had to move us to a very tiny house, visit the salvos for gifts of warm clothes in winter, and there were too many days that kids ate and I went without.

I thought writing Head Space was going to be the saviour that my little family needed.  I knew in my heart that the  book’s content was great.  I thought if I could just publish it all our financial problems, both present and future, would be solved.   I was SO WRONG and SO RIGHT. I guess I misinterpreted the quiet voice inside.   I was so convinced that I would make bucket loads of money and be ‘saved’. For the life of me I could not understand why the business side of my book didn’t take off.

This book is fantastic, life-changing and completely useful and helpful in so many ways.  So, I just couldn’t comprehend why it wasn’t saving us. BUT IT WAS… I just couldn’t see it.  As it turns out, the saviour was the process of writing;  meditation, acceptance of anger, sadness and grief, self-searching and discovery of strengths I never knew existed, heightened resourcefulness, a growing resilience, dedication to my children, and a determination to pull myself out of my very deep, dark hole.

Eventually, those years of hell brought me to a place of surrender – not to defeat (I never say die!) – but to being utterly and truly ME.  Without all that strife and struggle, I would not be so completely certain of who I am and what I’m capable of.

In the last 6 months, I have come of age.  I finally GET IT.  And the abundance is flowing.  What happened? What changed?  Well, the things I have known and thought might be true on a head level for around 20 years have suddenly integrated into my being.  I knew that Head Space would save us, I just couldn’t see how until now.  Something just clicked inside and I realise that the whole time I had been redefining ME from the ground up.

It’s easy in hindsight.  I really just needed to slow down, enjoy life, be focused and deliberate about my career without being dogged, and write because I LOVE TO WRITE.  More that that, if I write about things I love, abundance flows.  Now, I follow my heart and my intuition and simply use my mind as a tool to direct my energy.

I write this today because I have just had my first paid article published.  I am SOOO grateful for post natal depression. There were moments when I thought I wouldn’t survive, or that my children wouldn’t.  But it has been a blessing in disguise.  I am so deeply humbled by the workings of the universe and for all the struggles.  Now I can write from a place of love because I know and understand that the depths of pain I’ve experienced are the perfect indicator of the capacity of my heart to love and enjoy an abundant life.  I can now write what I love to write and be paid to help others by educating, enlightening and easing their suffering through the written word.

love post natal depression

What a privilege.

What perfection.

When have you discovered inner strength from adversity?

xxK

PS:  I started this post to tell you about the article I’ve had published, but got sidetracked in a bit of a gratitude rant! The content is nothing mind-blowing, but as you can see, it’s worth a great deal more than the money to me  Here’s the LINK to my recently published article.

SHUT UP! I’m Busy Here.

Stressed woman screaming

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

Simple, right?

I have deadlines.  Lots of them.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good deadline – it keeps the creative juices going for me, keeps me on my toes.  I get that ‘edge’ that helps me stay sharp and makes me feel alive.

But when you’re on the edge like that; for days, weeks, months… fatigue happens.  Life is good right now.  Everything is pretty much peachy.  But today, I’m weary.  My heart is crying out for attention, my soul starved for substance.  I’m not yet bone achingly wrung out, but a couple of weeks in my ‘sickbed’ is on the horizon if I don’t stop very, very soon.  I can recognise this state now. I used to push through it and hit the proverbial brick wall for months in order to fulfill my perceived responsibilities to others. Not anymore.  It’s not worth the pain.

So… with my internal ‘To Do’ list blinking URGENT in neon before me, and my brain’s ranting, panicked voice in the background, I deliberately slow myself down enough to grab a coffee from the local café. I didn’t sit down long enough to drink it though. Oh no!  My brain won’t let me slow down that much just yet. It still holds the upper hand. But I’m onto it. I’ve noticed it’s rushing me.  Now it can’t hide.  It’s just a matter of time.  I know how to get around that little voice that pushes me ever onwards, striving to rush yelling at me to “get it all done now”, and “don’t you dare stop for a moment of solitude and silence”.  Today, I’m onto it, that kind of talk is just not on! Today, I want off the edge.

I gratefully receive my take-a-way caramel latte, half -shot caramel because sugar makes me more hyper. My brain thinks coffee is God, so it’s cool with proceedings so far, thinking it’s got me by the horns. I walk towards the pulsing markets. “Oh!  More rushing and activity. Goodie” my brain prattles at me. It knows it can hide its agenda and its relentless voice amidst the noise and bustle.  I have to go through that teeming sea of people to get back to my car. But instead of pushing and forcing my way through the hubbub with purpose and urgent determination to get back to work as my brain would have it, I purposefully change my pace to a cruising amble and veer suddenly towards the park.  I can go that way too. My brain resists “What are you doing?  This way is longer. You’ll be late. This is out of the way, much less efficient use of your time and energy here, you idiot”.  My rebellious nature kicks in and I ignore it, slowing even more.

In the park, excellent. Now I’ve got the upper hand.  Nature will do that. Nature is always on our side and always wins eventually.  I glance up at the blue sky through the canopy, the first sunlight in days dapples warmth on my face and I let a quiet smile reach my lips. “AGGGHH, she’s enjoying this” screams my brain. “Someone stop her, I’m losing control here people”. I wonder who its talking to?

Then, in total defiance of my internal pressures and self-imposed deadline to get home by 10am, I hesitate. My strolling comes to a dead stop, just for a moment. I break into a grin and winningly say to my freaking brain “SHUT UP! I’m busy here.

And it does.

All it takes is that one moment.  I only need a moment to smell the damp earth beneath my feet, drink in the sight of verdant, luminous grass, immerse myself in the music of a hundred different birds.  In that moment, I find my peace, replenish my energy stores and hit the refresh button.  There is silence there, once my brain knows its place.  It just needs to know I’m in charge.

“Shut up.” I repeat more kindly this time, “I’m busy here. Rest now. It’s all okay. Shhh”.

Awareness fills the silence.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

Simple.

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